I tried to sew the hole back together,but the wound just wouldn't heal. I look at myself in the mirror,and I see a hole in my body,my heart. No blood is flowing,though. Just a hole. I try to cover up that hole, by putting up with unbearable sights. Every moment of that sight, would bring about pain. But I can't lose him. Nor them.

He's been there for me,even if it means being just friends. No,a really close friend. He's like one of my best friends. AHH,I don't know. Ever since I let go of the fact that they're together, I realised how much I want him to stay in my life. After the whole mess with them,and it's still in a mess(sort-of),I stopped pushing him away. I wanted the separation to be natural. Sadly,it turned out differently.

So far,I've spent 2 days,long hours with him during Ramadhan. For training sake. I had a one-to-one tunggal session with him,last Wednesday. It was awkward at first,given the fact that it was just a week after the air was cleared. At that point of time,I was still trying to push him away,but I had no choice when it came to training. Then, I had tanding training with Haziq and Piqah on the very same day. He joined us,which was a surprised. He offered to be my sparring partner,and had to put up with all the blows I threw at him. He was of a great help.

The very next week,we had round two. He increased the intensity and pushed me hard. And I mean,very hard. I mind wasn't in the game,for the 2nd round. I was distracted. He kept on pushing me hard to a point where I thought I was going to break. Well, I did eventually crack. I got myself injured. Walking was like a torture,I swear. I couldn't feel my feet touch the ground. I had a very swollen shin. My right thigh muscle gave in,too. I held on to the excruciating pain for one last shot. And I was immediately worn out after that. I fell to the ground. My leg was in so much pain,that I felt as though it had been amputated. He didn't know how bad it hurt,and so he kept on pushing me even more. I walked out on him,twice that day. Because of the pain. I don't blame him,for pushing me that hard. I wasn't performing well at the start. He was doing his job,to push me higher. He told me that he was going to help me improve. He did that. I love him so much,for that. For being there. For pushing me so hard,that my body stopped producing sweat and tears replaced them. He put so much faith and believe in me. And he even gave me money so I could cab home,since walking was like torture. He wanted to send me home,but I insisted that he didn't. We live on opposite ends of the country. Besides, I don't want to be a burden to him.

I cannot imagine my life without him right now. It's not that I'm dependent on him,but he's just that little push I need to get back on my feet. He's just that little cushion where I know I'd land if I fall. He's that little pressure I need for my heart to keep pumping,even if it means inflicting rage. Somehow,rage seems to be working really well with my brains lately. I can think straight,even if my rage reaches it's peak. And I wasn't able to do that in the past. There's a million things I want to thank him for. But most importantly,I'd like to thank him for appearing in my life,and never left even when I tried to push him away. That's what I call a true friend! I love him from the bottom of my heart,no matter what and no matter whoever that stands in my way.

Okay. Next week,round three. If my leg recovers on time and if I can finish studying for my Pharmacology paper on time. If he's going to be annoying the hell out of me again during the sparring session,by push me, I won't hold back. I hope I can get my head in the game,this time round. I don't want to disappoint myself. And most importantly, I don't want to disappoint him. I'm glad he's here,helping me get through this.